6R have been looking at atmospheric writing, analysing it and identifying the features that make it effective. We discovered that we needed to keep our sentences fairly simple while at the same time engaging the reader's senses and emotions. Using an extract from Michael Morpurgo's Private Peaceful as inspiration, we then wrote our own atmospheric passages set in WW1.
Frightened, I witness undead-looking men sprinting, staggering, stumbling. I make out Pete anxiously calling out for me. Then my collar is pulled tight and we're away. Urgently... I have.. to breathe... now! I can't... get away... without breathing! My vision obscured by the condensation in my misty mask, I slip and fall, smashing my fragile head against the muddied parapet, dizzying myself. My gas mask, too large for me, has slipped down my face. I yank it back on but I have inhaled and know what is going to happen: it is too late. My red eyes are watering. My lungs are sizzling. I am gagging, retching, suffocating. I don't mind where I am going as long as I am not anywhere near the gas. I'm away from it. I rip off my mask, gulping down pure air. Seconds later, I'm on the ground, on my sweaty hands and bruised knees, vomiting violently. Finally, when the worst of it is over, I stare up through blood-red, crying eyes. A Hun in a filthy gas mask is towering over me, his loaded rifle aimed in between my eyes. I am unarmed. This is it: my grave.
By Harry, 6R
Harry, I am absolutely astounded by your ending. You have successfully used a range of sentence types, particularly simple sentences, to build suspense. I was utterly gripped!
ReplyDeleteWow! What a dramatic piece of writing. In 5E we were amazed by your emotive language.
ReplyDeleteOur two ticks are:
- Three consecutive verbs to emphasize the actions (gagging, retching, suffocating)
- The pacing created by varied sentence lengths.
Our one wish is:
- A simile to really emphasize the dramatic actions.
Thank you, 6R!