In our writing group we have been focusing on the features of L4 and 5 writing. We completed a 100 word challenge and then evaluated our work. We then completed a second 100 word challenge. Here are both of Jack's, what improvements has he made?
1st example: Haunted School
Ridgewood school, abandoned for 72 years, was in a radioactive explosion in WW2. Haunted for a long time, 200 people dies, 90% children. Their souls remain there today, not a body to be seen.
If you went inside:
You would see toys rolling on the floor, dirt dripping down from the ceiling and foot marks randomly appearing.
You would hear the wailing of children, creaky floorboards, giggling and windows shattering.
You would taste blood and fear.
You could feel bugs crawling up your legs and a shiver up your spine.
How do I know this? I'm Jack, one of the DEAD children.
Extract 2: The Storm.
SWOOSH! Something knocks me down. I tremble with fear until something or someone touches me. It picks me up and lunges me into a car. It's my mum. We're getting hunted down. My mum doesn't let me look but I know it's not good. It taunts me that I don't even have a clue what it is. Oh No! I catch a glimpse of the hurdling cyclone. I'm scared. Suddenly my mum drives off road and away, we can still feel the tug.
Jack, I am really impressed by how you have up-levelled your writing to include a range of sentence types. Well done.
ReplyDeleteWe were really impressed by how reflective you have been with your writing, Jack.You have improved by making your writing less like a list and more powerful by concentrating it in short, effective sentences using powerful vocabulary. We liked the sense of mystery created by "something or someone touches me". Well done!
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