This week in 6B we have been learning to use the features of biographies. We found out about Lord Kitchener, organised the information into headings and then wrote our biographies. Here is an extract from Jake's. The paragraph in red is before editing and the paragraph in green is after editing. What improvements do you notice?
Another job was to visit trenches and create strategies and battle plans for the soldiers. He also was in charge of industries and decided women as men weren't available. Arguing with cabinet members, Kitchener wanted to resign however his offer was rejected. So therefore Kitchener left the as he felt disrespected.
Another of his jobs was to visit trenches to create strategies and battle plans for the soldiers to employ. Also he was in charge of industry and decided that women should work the jobs that men were no longer available to do. Arguing with the other cabinet members majorly, Kitchener wanted to resign, however his offer was rejected by the Prime minister as he was popular with the British public. In spite of this, Kitchener did later resign as he felt disrespected by his fellow cabinet members.
Your careful editing has greatly improved your writing Jake. I can see an improvement in your use of commas to separate clauses and the inclusion of additional information ensures there is more clarity in your writing. Well done!
ReplyDelete5G really enjoyed your biography Jake. We were very impressed with your editing skills. You had corrected sentences which were incomplete earlier and used connectives to good effect. We thought this would be even better if you varied the length of your sentences to iclude some short, simple ones alongside the longer examples. Well done!
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