Panic-stricken, Susan sprinted back to the dank, dark dormitory whilst she began to frantically think of an escape plan. After several hours sifting through various possible answers Susan finally landed on a plan. She was going to climb over the wall.
Sneakily, Susan tiptoed over the front gate then without anyone seeing her, she climbed over the wall and was gone! Because she was so delighted to be free, she did not think about what she was going to do or where she was going to sleep. Susan happily skipped down the street into a dark alleyway where she saw other children huddling down for the night. She realised she would have to do the same so she sat down heavily and eventually fell asleep.
As the sun awoke above the street, Susan woke up. She wandered around the streets when suddenly she came across a notice on a lamp-post. It was advertising a free school for poor orphans run by a man named Dr Barnardo. She thought about it for a second and wondered whether she would like to go to the school. She decided that she had had enough of grown ups and would survive by herself on the streets. Eventually, after a long time in the cold, Susan became ill. She realised that her only chance of survival was to find Dr Barnardo and his school.
Being at Dr Barnardo's school was different than anything Susan had imagined. She had no chores to do, and he didn't threaten them with a ruler if they spoke in class. She was given real food twice a day and in winter a cosy fire was lit in the classroom.
Chloe, 5G
Wowz. To me this great writing Chloe! I enjoyed this alot. I liked your use of ambitious vocabulary and connectives! Good use of everything! GREAT NARRATIVE.
ReplyDeleteWow Chloe! I am really impressed with this extract from your narrative writing because you have used a range of sentence openers and included personification. To improve your writing further, re-read your extract and include commas to separate the main clause and subordinate clause in a complex sentence.
ReplyDeleteWell done, Chloe! We enjoyed reading your writing. Well done for using powerful verbs (sifting, tiptoed, skipped) and adverbs (sneakily, heavily, happily). We would have liked to see more of a range of punctuation, as well as commas after subordinate clauses.
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