Without hesitation, Jake, who was ravenous, darted like an
arrow, after jumping up to his feet. Because he was exceptionally destitute, he
had to steal. Being young, he didn’t know what was right. A waft of freshly-baked,
mouth-watering pastries filled the air, drifting into his nose. He was wild
with hunger. It had been days. Now everything seemed delicious to him. Inconspicuously,
he dashed swiftly, finding himself surrounded by scrumptious breads. Would he
be able to grab one? Thinking unclearly, he did. Nothing happened. Suddenly,
the door burst open and the bread danced in his hands. Petrified, he knew his
future was doomed. It was the workhouse for him.
During several soul destroying days at the treacherous
workhouse, Jake realised it really was hell on earth. Being whipped by the
remorselessly cruel teachers became a daily habit. Every whip was like
lightning striking Jake’s feeble body. Unimaginable, excruciating pain filled
his bones. Did the teachers actually expect him to work in these barbaric
conditions?.....
I am very impressed by this extract from your narrative writing Mubarak! I like the way that you have used a range of sentence types and carefully selected a range of powerful adjectives, verbs and adverbs.
ReplyDeleteWow Mubarak! This is very good narrative writing! In 6F we especially liked your sophisticated adjectives (destitute, ravenous and barbaric) and your use of short sentences to build tension when he's about to steal the bread. We thought some speech could have improved this passage and maybe an alteration to the personification of bread 'dancing' in his hand.
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